Love, Life and All That Jazz
by WhenLighteningStrikes
Summary: Deja Vu. The feeling you get while reading Hr with anyone story, nowdays. Well Hermione's sick of being somebody else. Here's her scathing take on the fanfiction writers!
1. Picture Imperfect

**_Love, Life and All That Jazz_**

**A/N Hello people, this is my first try at Fanfiction. I've read millions of them and loved quite a few. However I was just struck by the thought that what if _Hermione _read them? Well so this is her reaction to all of it………………………**

**Please read and review, I'd love to get feedback on this chapter and of course, there's lots more where that came from…………**

**Love**

**Lightening**

**Dearest Fanfiction Writers**

Hello. I'm **Hermione Granger**. Yes the same Hermione Granger, whose character you all are so ruthlessly murdering in your 'wonderful' stories.

First of all, let me offer my profuse thanks for the enormous amount of unwanted interest you take in my lowly life. Seriously, even my parents have never taken that much interest in my life.

If I was a movie star and you guys the paparazzi, I would have complained to the police. But since neither of us is either of the above, I don't even have _that _luxury.

However, by writing this letter I hope to appeal to your better selves to stop the massacre of the image that I have formed since the first day I stepped into Hogwarts…

First things first. My hair is **_bushy_**. Yes BUSHY. Which means they resemblean owl's nest. (Sigh After 27 years of having them I've finally hardened myself against the fact.)

**So get over it.**

Just because I spent EIGHT hours before the Yule Ball, in fourth year, trying to get my hair to resemble _something,_ doesn't mean I have enough time for it everyday. And if potions did nothing for me in Hogwarts, then they won't do anything for me now.

This also means that my hair do not 'cascade' down my back, they do not form 'small, delicate ringlets at the tips' and they don't 'sway back and forth' as I move. Actually, they pretty much don't do anything except detract from the character of my face.

Another thing- My hair are BROWN in color. **Just plain brown**. They're not 'honey colored locks', neither have I dyed them 'a dazzling shade of golden-brown', neither are they the color of 'morning sunshine'

(The sun is YELLOW-ORANGE! HONESTLY, where DO you people get these ideas from?).

And don't you know that golden highlights went out of fashion in 1887? (Don't mind me. I know lots of people who look really good with highlights, but I, unfortunately, don't belong to the category of those 'Chosen Ones'.)

So please, please do me the kindness of removing all these 'hairy' endearments from your lovely stories.

If it's God's will that my hair remain like they are, then so shall it be.

Now coming down (literally!) to my face...

W-E-L-L, I've never been troubled by all those skin conditions like acne and freckles, for which I'm eternally grateful.

But my skin is not really something that would make Angelina Jolie blush.

My eyes are also BROWN. Although I flatter myself that they're quite exquisite (to tell the truth, they're the only part of me I really love).

But even I cannot say that they're 'Radiant honey colored orbs' (Seriously, what is it with you guys and honey?), and they're not really 'the warm color of hot chocolate' (How can hot chocolate be warm, care to explain?) and though they're warm, vibrant, lively enough, I guess, they're not really 'pools of chocolate in which you can melt' (Firstly, you cannot melt in pools. Secondly, if this was so, then 'The Wizard of Oz' would have been made starring Hermione Granger not Judy Garland and lastly, First HONEY now CHOCOLATE. Talk about obsessed!)

And as for the next person, who calls them blue / aqua / grey / green / golden-brown, well one word – **B-E-W-A-R-E !**

And I have no idea **who** started this one (lucky you are or you would have been killed by yours truly) but I am not, I repeat **_NOT _**anorexic and neither am I suffering from bulimia. I am perfectly healthy, thank you and I intend to remain this way. I've never thought of myself as fat and so I don't need to diet (or throw up). Imagine my husbands reaction if I got caught up in that fad! (Husband huh……won't you like to know wink……hah!)

And as for er……. other parts of my anatomy…

Well I'm quite okay-ly endowed, but I really don't have those gravity-defying basketballs that you've bestowed on me. Thank heaven for small mercies, because if I did, then as according to Newton's law of Gravitational forces I wouldn't even have been able to get up, much less do anything.

And I'd be really grateful if you stop making allusions to it, because face it; it _is _really embarrassing for a girl to come across such descriptions while reading her own life story.

And my legs are not 'miles' long. They're good enough for walking, running, and other things that legs are meant for. However I did NOT show them off at ever chance I got at Hogwarts. (Not that I got any chances anyway) Because as you all seem to have forgotten, robes cover up every part of your body, and the dress code at Hogwarts were ROBES

And do you have any idea, HOW difficult it is to get a proper wax job at Hogwarts?

I don't use magic for these things because something **always** goes wrong. Like the time I tried to give myself a magical haircut in my seventh year at Hogwarts. Well…er…lets just say, at least my eyebrows grew back again.

Although all this isn't that much of a difficulty if you're roommates with Parvati and Lavender. They have a cure for almost every beauty ailment under the sun (except perhaps 'How To Grow Eyebrows Back')

And just as an after thought, 5'7 is not **really** short. So I'm not this 'tiny, petite little thing, on whom the wind dare not blow too harsh.'

So all in all I'm not particularly beautiful. I don't mind. I've seen people like Chang, totally beautiful on the outside but Devil's incarnation inside.

I am writing all this to remind you guys of something which all of you seem to have forgotten----

I'm **_Hermione Granger_**, **not a blonde, petite, golden-voiced angel, or any of the people you've been trying to change me into, but just plain HERMIONE GRANGER. **

So deal with it

And even after all the problems I've faced because of not being beauteous in the orthodox sense (the comments, notes, etc., etc.)

I really love myself, really and truly. And that's what makes me really beautiful. Because after all it _is_ special to be so important in the world that **no one else can be you.**

No not even with a Polyjuice Potion...and no...if you're wondering...I didn't become a philosopher after leaving Hogwarts.

Well all I'm saying is that if a guy can only like me if I change everything about myself and become something else……

Believe me---- **He's so not worth it **

**Signing off**

**LOVE**

**Hermione**

A/N So loved it/ hated it please be sure to tell me. I know these things have irritated many more people apart from me. And the next chapters concentrate on the clichéd plots. So tell me about those things which have irked you in Fanfiction. Everything, Hermione's- Plots, dress, style, etc., etc.Please send me your ideas

Till next time

Love

Lightening


	2. In The Game of Seduction

In the game of seduction…stop reading 

Disclaimer- Sorry I forgot to put this in the last chapter. So this is for that one as well as this one. No the Harry Potter world does not belong to me. I sent a letter to J.K.Rowling asking for it as an early Christmas present, but she has yet to reply……………

A/N OMG! Love you guys (blows millions of kisses) I can't believe I got so many reviews! And one thing that seems to be troubling you are the **bold **letters (lol) I read it over and a million pardons for that unforgivable mistake. I've tried to restrict myself, hope its fine now. And sorry for any grammatical error.

So this is the first in the 'Plot' series, in the meanwhile keep sending me ideas

Love

Lightening

PrincessofX-tasy- Thanx a lot! I'm glad I'm not just wasting your time!

Tineley- Lol, thanks for trying to be so nice while pointing out my mistake. I've tried to make this chapter better. And I'll surely try out the masquerade ball thing

Kate- Yup, I really care about Hermione's character. And hope there are no issues this time!

Tokyogirl119- Sorry, cut down on it this time! Ho! Moin and Goth! Hermione, I didn't quite get it, but if you tell me, I'll surely fit it in, thanx!

kirara24- Wow! What a great honor, that out of the few hp fics you read one was mine, thanx! I'm glad you liked it!

BeautifulMisconception- Love your name. So do I. Hermione is Hermione, let her be, people! Thanx for the review

Obsessed-with-random-theories- Lol, sorry I'm a Hr/DM and Hr/H shipper myself, but that doesn't mean that HERMIONE wont mind the ships1 I am gonna write a chapter on the ship too!

Names are overrated- Love your name! Hey, you took back your proposal, oh well I'm too young according to the law (lol). To many clichés around, I agree. Thanx for the review!

Heartsyhawk- WOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW! Long Review (does the Hokie Pokie, er...never said I was sane) I'm glad you liked it and support my views. Lol imagine Hermione coming across a story in which she falls in love with Snape/Dumbledore/Voldemort (lol)

Lily- It seriously annoys me too, and I intend to put in one of the chapters

NalanaSpinderOfSouls-Thank you, glad you liked it!

Aleatha515- Lol, thank you, I'm so glad I succeeded in making me funny and you just showered me with compliments (no wonder my hat doesn't fit me any longer) lol, thanks

Jinxeh-thanks a lot! I know, it's like chocolate eyes, honey hair, cinnamon eyes, cherry lips, GOD! Lol

Woodnymph123- I wasn't really sure abt the summary. But if the story kept your attention, I'm so glad!

FairyKisses- Cute name! Thank you for all the compliments. Really sweet of you!

Time Travelling Echidna- thanks, sorry abt the errors

FreeDaChickens- Yay! Another long review! I'm glad you think Hermione would think that way, nice to get appreciation (oh well) and I've tried cutting down on the bold thing (lol) Mine's one of the best in the category? Aw…. Do I love you or what!

Gabers- Yay! You loved it. Don't worry I intend to write more!

**Dearest Fanfiction Writers**

Now coming to a most important part of your stories (Drumroll)

--- **The Plots**.

Well, I don't even know where to begin. If I begin from the beginning then the beginning for me would be the one of the most highly reviewed plots ------

Yes I'm talking about the tried and tested plots (with quite good results i.e. reviews actually, but I digress) of the bets that Malfoy makes to 'seduce' me before A Ball/Valentine's Day/Any Special Occasion or simply to get information about Harry, or break up the 'Golden Trio' (Because of course Lucius Malfoy has no better work than to make his kid break up our gang.)

Do you guys really think that **Malfoy** would ever have been stupid enough to accept any such bet involving me? And the prize is simply ludicrous- 200 Galleons! 200 Galleons for a guy who has Millions and Trillions of them?

And don't you know that Slytherins and Gryffindor sused to hate/loathe/detest (take your pick) each other and that none of us would have been idiotic enough to take such a risk of being killed by our housemates?

Because believe me, at that time, a Slytherin-Gryffindor relationship was like asking for a death wish.

My character in these stories is also always totally in love with Malfoy, but just not confident enough to tell him.

Now would anyone kindly mind telling me, just exactly, _where _throughout my years of Hogwarts, did you find a single clue which pointed to the fact that I was in love with my own worst enemy?

Was it the time when I hit him in third year? Or all the times I gave him witty comebacks for his lame comments? Or was it the time I transformed him (with other members of the D.A.) into something closely resembling a slug in fifth year? Or was it…………Okay, you got my point.

Besides, my character in such stories makes me wanna hurl. You've totally made me into this frail, delicate, fragile, etc. etc. AIRHEAD that she can't do anything to stop the growing advances of big- bad- Malfoy.

Albeit gorgeous andstunning, because of the MAKEOVER that my cousin from America apparently gave me. Or worse still Parvati and Lavender!Oh puh-leeez I love myself too much to ever succumb to the 'makeovers' of those two. What do you take me for anyway?

And after these supposed 'makeovers' I come looking like something out of Playboy, and the guys start noticing me and giving me unwanted attentions, which makes Malfoy threaten them, that if they lay so much as a finger on '**_his girl' _**he's gonna have something to say about that. While I stand in the background simpering something which sounds suspiciously like 'Ooooh, My Hero!_' _

Yes it made me gag too, the first time I read it.

I don't know why, but you conveniently always gloss over the fact that I was, (ahem ahem excuse me for being so immodest) the cleverest witch in my year and really could turn him into a ferret (haha….he really never quite got over that!) or hex him into oblivion at any moment I wanted.

In fact in these stories, I'm **NOT **the cleverest in my year! My makeover seems to have affected my brain, because I start (heaven forbid) being rude to teachers, cutting-off classes, and just want to par-tay all the time, or make out in the closet with completely unheard of people.

And as for those other guys who were trying to get thick with me, **W-e-l-l** in two seconds I could have had them ruing the day they crossed swords with the invincible Hermione. But noooo, I have to stand in the shadows, while my ENEMY fights MY fights!

Besides I'm never so alone (hello, where do Harry and Ron vanish in such stories?) that Malfoy could find those millions of opportunities of suitably cornering me in deserted classes and corridors and carrying on his satanic plans.

And in these stories even if I try to resist (at the beginning), the charms of the 'drop-dead-gorgeous' Malfoy soon begin their work. (Yeah! A guy who tried to kill me everyday for 7 years, can anyone get more charming?) I soon begin wondering about the fact that how could the great Malfoy like a lowly creature like me (!)

Ever heard of self-confidence? It's filled to the brim in me. I never (actually **almost** never, but whatever) doubt my capabilities.

Just as a reminder. There are two contrasting characters in these stories- the airhead and the girl who is completely unnoticed by the guys. No story (that I've read) has ever deviated from this kind of stereotype. Either the girl (that is me) is super 'sexay' or she's plain ugly. Now do you blame me for resenting this?

Besides at that time I hated Malfoy. He was the bane of my life. Nobody (except perhaps Snape and Voldemort It's been 8 years since he died and thank heaven ...and Harry for that) have ever really taken that position.

He might have been good-looking (yes I know that's an understatement) for you, but you forget that we were sworn enemies and that no matter how good he looked, it was in my capabilities to still taunt him with every ounce of courage I had.

While adding all the thesaurus words for 'handsome' and 'suave', you conveniently overlooked the mean, despicable, evil, callous, malicious, and all the other words that come to my mind while thinking of him at Hogwarts.

And to add further insult to my injuries, even if **Harry** and **Ron** are there, one of them falls in love with me, and has to just stand and stare, all angst-ridden, while I ride off into the sunset (like an obedient house-elf, grrr) with their arch-nemesis.

Honestly, they might not have been the brightest crayons in the box (to me they were, but I'm trying to look at it from your angle) but they certainly weren't the half-witted baboons that you guys make them out to be.

Their reactions to my revelation of being in love with Malfoy are picturesque……not. They blow their gaskets and stop talking to me, which is amazing since all the years at Hogwarts, **I** was the one patching them up, and even when Ron behaved like a total moron, he at least came back to his senses.

And one thing that makes me sad here is that Harry and Ron only start liking me (as a **_girl_**) after my makeover. I think it's very cruel of you to suggest that our friendship was only skin deep and just depended on our appearances. No dear writers, it was much deeper than that. It was a friendship of a lifetime………………………

And the endings…………………well they just make me wonder whether one person has written all these stories. It's always the same-----

1) I find out about the bet, (but not before Malfoy has **already **'seduced' me) from Blaise or Pansy (for some reason it's only these two who put this bet before Malfoy.)

2) I raise Cain. That is, I go screaming to him and throw back (dead center) everything that he's given me. And then sit in my room crying the whole day.

3) He gets all angst-y. He sits and contemplates and thanks God (or Voldemort) that The mudblood left him without a fuss.

4) He realizes that he did not in fact want 'The Mudblood' to leave.

5) He realizes that his whole life is wrong, he's wrong, everything is wrong, only 'HIS Hermione' is right. And he'll get her, even if his father cuts him from his will for it. (Which is pretty funny cuz whenever I think about Malfoy, at Hogwarts, the first words that come to my mind are "My father bought me 'insert an expensive, totally ridiculous object in the space provided '-----------------------------------------)

6) He shouts from the rooftops that he loves me.

7) Everyone seeing this sighs dreamily and ask me to accept him, because I'd never get an "Honest" lover like him again.

8) After a few days I realize that my life is meaningless without Malfoy in it. So I go back running and he accepts me with open arms

9) You can guess what happens next.

**Where is the originality, guys? Where is the spirit of the 'Hardcore Feminist' that is the making of me?**

I hope, I really haven't discouraged you from writing these stories because I er…… looks around furtively actually um…… (I'm gonna kill myself for this later) but…I actually quite like them blushes furiously. They give me quite a thrill (like watching a chick-flick with Ginny, who's got a humongous collection of them. Or reading a Sophie Kinsella novel, not that I do it too often...er...)

But one request please… please…**please** make me less of a bimbo and more of the witty know-it-all that I am. For after all I am what I am!

**Signing off**

**LOVE**

**Hermione**

* * *

A/N So what do think of this. I really don't wanna offend anyone cuz some of these stories are really good. But well………………review 

P.S. If you wanna, check out my other story "When Draco Met Hermione", It contains a sharp-witted and smart Hermione (I hope, lol)

And Please, please suggest me some**_GOOD_** D/Hr or H/Hr stories. Something that is not cliched and actually enjoyable! And of course, keep the cliched plots coming!

Till then

Love

Lightening


	3. Heads Up!

Disclaimer- No the Harry Potter world does not belong to me. I sent a letter to J.K.Rowling asking for it as an early Christmas present, but she has yet to reply……………

**Dearest Fanfiction Writers**

Hello! I'm back!

(Is that a _sigh _I hear, just to let you know that it isn't safe to infuriate a witch suffering from children-itis and PMS…… and well, don't say you weren't forewarned…)

While searching for information for these letters…… (Yes you should always search for information carefully before writing, and you should write at least a foot more than required, and you should do a spell check before giving it in, and you………er………actually you can get all this information in my new book 'The Idiot's Guide to Getting All O's')

Anyway, I came across a very unusual fact. I found out that most of the clichés are in the Dramione pairing ('gag' 'choke' someone kill me right now.) It seems that one person writes on a theme and others follow it up with their own versions. Which is not the case with the other… ahem…pairings.

Is this because the love-hate relationship has been done so many countless times in movies and books that it's impossible to search for a newer, more interesting plot? Or is it because no one can be bothered to actually _think _up a plot…eh?

Well, moving on to the plot which should take first place in the 'Clichés Hall of Fame'……………

8888888888888888888Head-Boy and Head Girl888888888888888888

You know I've always thought that to be a Head of Hogwarts, you have to have many qualities, like courage, ambition, loyalty, cleverness, intelligence, humor and an ability to handle people.

Now I'm not really sure about how many characteristics I myself fit in, but well after reading the stories you've convinced me……all these qualities are not necessary. All you seem to need is wit, looks, cunning and ways to charm the opposite sex. Is there any other reason, just _why _exactly Draco Malfoy would become a head?

Although touched by your faith in me to be able to handle the heads' position, (since I always get it, if it's our seventh year, and I did get it in reality too but nevertheless your never-ceasing faith is astounding and touching 88 sniff 88) I'm really disappointed in your choice of the other head. I'm sure romance could blossom even if we weren't made to share common rooms.

Yes, another glitch in the system.

Ok, Hermione, calm yourself, take a deep breath………ARE YOU PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR MINDS OR SOMETHING? HAS DECENCY BECOME EXTINCT? IS THERE NO DECORUM LEFT IN THIS CIVILIZATION?

Er………sorry about that. But you have to get my point too. This is one of the most foolish things that I've ever read about.

I can understand the part about having separate rooms for heads, but TOGETHER? Helllloooo………there is a reason that heads are not given separate rooms and it should be obvious to anyone with half a brain.

**Firstly**, there is Decency- You do not place a boy and a girl in common rooms. It's the basic rule of etiquette. This has nothing to do with the casual attitude towards everything in the new millennium.

**Secondly**, Decorum- Ever thought what the parents will say about such an arrangement? No I know you haven't.

**Thirdly,** Political Correctness- The Ministry of Magic will send their hounds to stop the outrage. There'd be lots of petitions, and the fury of the people will reach a crescendo. Hogwarts would probably close down.

**Fourthly**, Respectability- 'The Daily Prophet' would have a field day with this one. Hogwarts will never be able to admit students again. It'd be a big blemish on the impeccable history of Hogwarts.

**Fifthly,** Smarts- Everyone know, just exactly _what _will happen, if a Slytherin and Gryffindor are placed in one room alone, for a minute, let alone a year (mangled body parts raise a sense of déjà vu?)

**Sixthly**, Hellllooo……guys weren't even allowed in the girls dorm rooms, do you really think Dumbledore would EVER allow them to share rooms?

**Seventhly, **As said in 'Firstly', it just isn't done.

And well, do you guys discuss amongst yourselves about the color coordination of the rooms or something? It's always the same. Red and gold for me, green and silver for Malfoy. Talk about original!

Ever thought that the rooms might actually be **neutral** (well obviously you haven't) It is possible, that they might be purple or blue, or something other than our house colors. After all, our common rooms are color coordinated, but nobody said the dorms were.

The rooms are pretty luxurious. They're rooms which have never been seen in the world before, filled with everything you could want for a lifetime. More fit for Queen Elizabeth, than two school going kids. Yes, Hogwarts is rich but it isn't exactly Buckingham Palace.

One thing that is pretty ironic is about all this is the fact, that the heads are place in their different rooms with a common bathroom and common-room, just so that can bring the two warring houses closer together (yea like two mere mortals could complete the Herculean task) and yet the rooms colors remind us about everything that we love about our houses. Makes neutral sound even better doesn't it:P

Well the obvious happens on the first night, we fight with each other, all the while thinking about how 'gorgeous' the other is (ughhh, why do we _have_ to like each other from before?) and then go back to our rooms to dream about each other.

Another thing that makes me want to tear my hair is the bathroom.

You're telling me that they can give the heads a separate room, which are better than honeymoon suites in a five star hotel, and yet they can't cough up for two _bathrooms? _I mean what's with that? Our teachers are not brain-dead as all of you make them out to be.

And the bathrooms are common for only one reason. One of us just _has _to catch the other coming out of it wearing a towel, or catch them in the bath. Because of course who's ever heard of the nifty invention called lock? And of course, no one actually wears clothes in the bathroom, do they. They just haveto come out of it wearing towels.

Written here in black and white, it does sound weird and it is.

The story is also the same half the time. We just love each other but are too afraid to tell, until the day one of us (mostly Malfoy) catches me crying and gets out the story from me about my 'abusive' father-uncle-grandfather-brother (take your pick) and then vows to protect me for eternity (and what happens next is anybody's guess)

How dare you! How dare you imply all that rubbish about my family? My family is the best in the world, and each of its members God-like for me. Just stop this unwanted abuse.

Or the other possibility is that Draco has nightmares about _his _abusive father and this is where I come in to comfort him. Because of course, I have nothing better to do at 2:00 o' clock in the morning, but listening to my arch-nemesis' nightmare induced cries, and of course the separating walls are soooo thin that you can actually hear an ant moving in the next room, or maybe we have super sonic hearing………is that it?

And honestly, to tell you the truth, when I think of Lucius Malfoy, many choice words come to my lips, (none of which are complementary) but whatever you might think, the Malfoy's were a very loving family. Lucius did have rather high expectations from Draco Malfoy, but there was no abuse, physical or mental involved. So I would appreciate it if you stop waxing lyrical about poor, dear abused Malfoy.

What happens after all this jazz is so common that if you've read one, you've read them all. Infact you don't need to read this particular type of story. Just pick up any one, whatever happens after the initial starting in the middle and end is always the same.

Look I have no problem with whatever you write (hahaha). Its FAN-**fiction** after all, but still at least _try_ to be a bit different from the norm. And don't consider surreal situations just to get us together. There are a million and one easier methods of getting enemies to like each other, (if only I could think of some XD) than practically shoving them with each other.

Just so you know…………

**Signing off**

**LOVE**

**Hermione**

A/N Thanks a looooooooooottttttttttttttttttttttt! You guys are the best! So many reviews, I just love you people. So please review this too, and keep encourafing me! And I'm really running short of ideas, so please lend me some!

Love

Lightening


	4. My Life as A Pureblood

Disclaimer- No, the Harry Potter world does not belong to me. I sent a letter to J.K.Rowling asking for it as an early Christmas present, but she has yet to reply……………

**Dearest Fanfiction Writers**

Well, the thing is I don't even know _why _I bother with the 'Dearest' part. I mean, could it be more obvious that you hate me? As if your stories aren't

enough to clue me on that particular fact.

Yes, if you're wondering, I do have a lot of suppressed anger, and this is my mode of outlet. I have never been so humiliated and chagrined in my life before. And the reason…… well as far as I can see, I'll put it in my words---

**IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII**

**My life as a PUREBLOOD**

**IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII**

_**First situation**_

"_Dearest _Hermione"

I am _soooo_ pleased to be able to FINALLY after (insert the number of years

anywhere from 14 to a million) years to be able to tell you that………………. (Ta da)

**YOU'RE A 'PUREBLOOD'. **

Not a disgusting Mudblood as you have always believed…but a PUREBLOOD. Your mum and dad are not your mum and dad at all! ….. Now isn't that just _GREAT?_! Ooooh, this is gonna be sooo much funnn.

Now you can get a gorgeous makeover, because you know, it's like _blasphemy _for a PUREBLOOD to look less than gorgeous.

And you can also befriend Draco Malfoy, since you're a PUREBLOOD, and he's like the **hottest** PUREBLOOD around (I had this thing for him myself a few years ago! Haha, bet you didn't know that!). And of course you wouldn't want to hang around dirt like Potter and Weasley. (Even though I love them, but still ewww……).

Please make sure you come back with loads of attitude, and horrible pranks, and bad schemes, and ghastly jokes because if you haven't gotten it by the hundred and fifty times I've _already _said it ----

**YOU ARE A PUREBLOOD.**

Lots of love, hugs and kisses

Your Headmaster

Albus Dumbledore

PS. Oooh! Silly ole me. I forgot to mention in the letter. You're actually the

Daughter of Lord "He-who-must-not-be-named", "You-know-who" a.k.a

"Voldemort." I completely forgot! Oh well… have a nice vacation!

PPS. Darling, you _do_ remember that you're a pureblood right? I forgot whether I've written that and I'm too lazy to read the whole letter again.

D M (oh no wait, that stands for 'Draco Malfoy', wrong initials.)

A D (yess)

**IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII**

**_Second situation_**

"Mione darlin' wake up."

"Mommmm" it's like _dawn." _(Picks up the clock, looks at the time…… 12:00 pm.)

"Yes, just as I said, dawn"

"I know my baby likes her sleep, but like I've got this incredibly important announcement to make about your birth parents."

(E N T E R Albus Dumbledore)

"Yes Ms. Granger" he says politely. "Your parents are not your parents. Your real parents are important purebloods, but for some reason that I don't know, they left you at this house."

"We really loved you as our own child, darlin'. Your real parents were thinking of you, they wanted to protect you." Says her mother anxiously.

"Yes Ms. Granger. Your real parents are death-eaters."

Hermione's eyes fill with tears. "And for (insert the number of years) you've let me be taunted by Malfoy about being a mudblood?"

Then her eyes widen "They're nothing else you wanna tell me…… Like I'm betrothed to Malfoy?"

"Oh no" her mother hastily assures her.

"Aww…… crap" Hermione mutters "I'll have to think of another way"

And then Hermione Granger lays herself down to sleep and is in Lalaland within a minute.

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**_Third situation_**

"You're a WHAT?" Hermione screamed. She was sitting at the dinner table. Her plate untouched.

"A witch darling and your father here is a wizard. And please do finish your soup"

"But…but…but…" why didn't you TELL me, all these years. sniff"

"Umm…… we really haven't gotten to that part yet." Her mother admitted. "When we think of a real shocker of a reason, I promise you'll be the first to know! And have your soup."

"Are you friends with the Malfoys?"

"Best friends. And Hermione that soup is getting COLD."

Her father interrupts "No more talking."

"Yes" Hermione mutters. "My soups getting cold. Why didn't' you tell me that, mother? We could have had this useless discussion later."

"Sorry dear" her mother apologizes

Hermione 'hmphs' and sets about eating the long waiting soup.

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**_Fourth situation_**

"Harry, kill him." Hermione screamed in frenzy, as she faced a wandless Voldemort. The fight had gone on too long. It had to end.

"But Hermione, I can't kill… it's just not in me."

"Then…… I will" said Hermione with chilling calm.

"Hermione" said Voldemort silkily, "Nobody's told you this…… but I'm your father. I left you in care of muggles to protect you from my evil, inane plans. I of course did not intend that you kill me in the end."

Hermione lowered her wand "You're my father?"

"Yes…" replied Voldemort tenderly

Hermione rushed and hugged the darkest lords of all times, who also happened to be her long lost father.

"HERMIONE" Harry yelled, "Don't listen to him, he's trying to fool you."

Hermione glared at Harry for a moment "This is between father and daughter. Why don't you just shut your trap?"

"Oh brother…" muttered Harry

"Hey mate" said Ron materializing out of nowhere "Ask him, since he's Hermione's father… will he still try to kill us…?"

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**_Fifth situation_**

"Hermione", wait. A breathless Draco Malfoy chased after her. "Don't run away. Don't you know that we're childhood best friends?"

Hermione stopped short, and Draco banged into her (because of inertia and all that)

"Childhood best friends? But you're a pureblood, I'm a muggle born!"

Draco considered this for a moment "Haven't your parents told you?"

"What?"

"That you're also pureblood and betrothed to me?"

"No."

"Oh well you are."

"Ok. When is our wedding?"

Draco checked his highly advanced watch… "Er…… that would be today. Um… only like two minutes from now we're supposed to be at the altar."

A surprised squirrel gazed in wonder at the place where a boy and girl had stood just half a second before…

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I can't even bear to continue. We'll have to wait till another day…

But just so you know…

**Signing off**

**HATE**

**Hermione**

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So that's all for this chappie, folks! I thought this would be an interesting idea, and a tad different from other chapters. But don't worry, the conclusion will soon come in the next chapter, where Hermione sits and disses all these plots

So what did ya think? Please review. This chapter was quite long, I deserve one, right: P Till then

Cook your eggs…sunny side up!

Love

Lightning


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